would you believe me.

isn't weird how when your gut tells you to stop asking so many questions and yet you plunder through and not care about your gut instincts. and then. slap. the truth hits you right across your face and then you feel sad and broken down and you start to wonder why you even bothered to ask.

I have the tendency of doing that and hurting myself. and at times, i tell no one because its so retardedly stupid.

why did i ask? why did i bother? why did i care about your past? why didn't i just wait to find out? why didn't i just keep my curiosity to myself? why didn't i just hear it from you? why didn't i just stop my mind from wandering off and causing trouble? why didn't i? its cause i think i've lost my heart. and now i'm struggling at getting it back from la la land.

now. i know. she's pretty, smart, sociable, funny and athletic. everything i wish to be but am not.

i know i'm supposed to be secure and confident like i always am.

but hey. i'm only human.

i have weaknesses and soft spots too. i have issues too.

i asked. i got the answer. but. sadly, i dont like what i'm hearing. at all.

it breaks my heart. it was fine before i knew.

so what should i do?

should i give you up? because of my insecurity and nearly nonexistant self confidence?

or should i stick to you? because i have feelings for you like i've never had to no one and because i am me and i cant change me for no one?

my mom is angry because apparently, one of my aunts told her i know how to talk about boys. well, that upsets me. because if that is true, it just shows that someone likes to gossip and that makes me more aware and careful of what i say to them. i thought they were family and its okay. but apparently, its not so. apparently, i just have to not talk about anything to them. keep it small short and simple. now isnt that sad? all because i talk about boys. for God's sake, i'm a girl. i'm a teenage girl. i talk alot.

i talk about everything. from boys to clothes to politics to social events and things that are going on in every other teenagers life. i talk alot and that doesnt make me bad or a slut or anything bad. thats just me. okay. so i talk about boys. would you rather i talk about girls? would you?

it saddens me that they would actually gossip and say things like that behind my back. some kinda family eh.

it terrifies me to know that there is only 53 days to PMR. i'm confident but hey, cant help but be a worrywart.

i know i shouldnt say anything to him about it. but the topic just wont rest from my mind. he doesnt know that i know about his past. so its point blank direct that i shouldnt say anything but why do i feel like i should? why do i feel like i can? why do i feel like i'm going to bring it up anyways? why?

you know what really pisses me off. when people assume that i'm in a relationship with a guy just because i'm close with him. i mean. come on. what century are you living in?!?! so yeah. i hugged him. does that mean i'm in a relationship with all the guys in kl in church and in school and in social events? wow. then i must have more than 500 boyfriends by now. and hey i'm only fifteen.

geez. people. use your God given brain for just a moment.

i got number 24 in class. its the far fall from my usual number which is only one digit. my usual is 6 or 8. now its 24. how awesome.

i'm tired of feeling like this. i'm done.

feeling fuzzy,
Joyce