your own perspective.

I woke up this morning. early. or rather early for me.

the whole point of waking up early was to get to school early. BUT. because of my dad i got to school late. like ten minutes later than my initial plan.

ran from my car all the way to class to find wen yiing gone. i was like ohmycrappers she didnt.

i walked really quickly to tanya's class. while there was a certain distance. i calmed myself down. was so freakin nervous could barely hear myself breathe.

when i was near to their class, then i realized. i was frowning. then i saw tanya. i smiled and whispered in a soft barely audible voice. I'M SO FREAKING NERVOUS YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

wen yiing was standing with jeremy. i smiled and yiing and jeremy. Yiing quickly left to join tanya and they started some imaginary conversation. after i said what needed to be said. i looked at him. I was soooooo scared you have no idea. never in my entire life has a moment like that scared me. usually talking to people is my forte but this time it was outrageously creepy.

i'm so glad i said it. really. all this while, all i've ever been living with is this guilt of knowing that i hurt so many people. so many good friends that shouldn't have been hurt that way. they didnt deserve it. and he was on that list. I was such a stuck up, outspoken, pain in the ass person i would have hated me. i probably still am that person a bit. but i've changed. i kept that side of me in check.

and yeah charlotte might go yeah right. but ce you have no idea. you think you do but you dont. and for christ sake, you aren't all that bright. when you say you act stupid, i just think you are cause after acting that for so long it becomes of you whether you like it or not. too bad but oh so sorry i'm definitely not sad you are that way. :D

After talking to Ben the other day. i realized. i am not in love with you. i thought i was but truthfully. i'm not. the person i fell for isn't really you. the person i portrayed isn't you. and i dont think there is a person the way i described out there in this big big world. i thought you were perfect. but. i forgot. you're only human. you have flaws too. i still love you. but not more than just friends. today. when i saw you. you seemed real. because i finally snapped out of it. because i'm seeing you for you. you're nearly perfect for any lucky girl out there. but to me you're just my friend. my awfully good looking, smart and sensitive friend.

I realise that i may be too soft hearted towards people who dont deserve it. when i treat people nice, they step all over me and push me to the edge. when i treat them cold and mean, they get all silent and break into pieces. i'm like. what is the matter with you?. argh. but i dont care anymore. you. you have issues. you better get them resolved or i'll kill you with words i swear.

very busy week. argh.

you probably wont believe me but. i'm actually going to interact installation night!
me?. ahahahahahahahaaha. weird rite? i know.

i think thats about it. it should be about it. need sleep.

love ya hotties,
joyce