have you ever felt the need to breathe?

you know how
when you're growing up
you always follow someones lead
or if you're leading you follow the lead
of someone else .

when you grow up
you look back and wonder
why did i do that?
why did i feel that need to do so?
and then the guilt comes running in like water.
thats how i feel.

you know when you
do something that feels so right
and then realize its wrong when its done.
you feel this immense surge of numbness.
thats how i feel.

when i was growing up
i was always under someone else's shadow
i still am.
michelle's sister.
mandy's sister.
charlotte's sister.
margaret's daughter.
jason's daughter.
always under their thumb.
you're constantly squirming.
always fighting.
but just never free.
i guess i'll never know freedom with no lines attached.

i guess its just so.

wonders of the world,
joyce