to my sister, Charlotte.

hey.

i know i haven't been the perfect sister. perhaps i never will be. but i tried.
growing up as a toddler, i thought you were my only sister. you were always there with me to try new things. and you played some very memorable tricks on me that are forever embedded in me. you were always someone i looked up to. you were always Daddy's lil girl. always. no one could take that title or place from you.

when i grew older, you once told me i was a orphan mom and dad adopted because i was so different from the family. i cried and hid in my room. i thought that it was true. you called me gullible and from that day on i not only learned not to trust everything someone says but i, too, learned a new word. i always tried to be like you. smart, talented in sports and active and charming. you lit up the room. always the chandelier in the room. i used to follow you around and pester you. i just wanted so badly to be as great as you were. when we moved back to kk, i made you angry countless times cause i wanted to be like you in school. you were powerful and such a important person.

i felt this pressure to be like you. so i read your diary. thinking back, it was perhaps the stupidest thing i could have done. why? because i learned that i was such a terrible sister. how much you hated my presence and how much you wanted me gone. when i closed that book, i put it back but i left it so obviously in a way someone had touched it. you scolded me and hit me for reading it. you taught me yet another lesson. to give someone personal space and privacy. it meant a great deal to someone and you should respect it.

when i entered high school, everything shook me. i was a nobody yet once again. in primary school, i was always the golden girl. the good student. the teacher's pet. but in high school, you're just another fry in the sea of fish. when my sisters told me to change. i never listened. i remained as headstrong and stubborn to prove them wrong. i was who i was. that was what i believed. when i entered high school, my sister had just finished high school. all these years i've been listening to endless stories on highschool i was so anxious to know what it felt like. the first days of high school were groundbreaking. not only was i humbled by the enormous change but you were there to explain why it was that way and how it was gonna be. thinking back, if you weren't there to guide me. i'd still that lost fry in the sea of fish. somewhere along the way, we grew accustomed to each other. we started being nice to each other. then mom decided to throw us in a room together. not only did i find out that i talked in my sleep, i also found out how nice and great you were. from time to time you did show me who's boss and i acknowledged it. i learnt so many things about you and myself. when i didnt know what to do, you told how and when and where. at times, i was such a bitch and i didnt know and you told me and you put me in place. you straightened me up. at times when i took the hits for you, i knew i was just trying to replace the hits you took for me too. i never forgot how much you took for me when mom or mich was angry at me. i never forgot.

and then this year. we lost gma. and something in me changed. something in me was broken. and then when we came back, everything was harder. school. friends. you. mom. dad. everything. and then we started fighting again. when you called me the bane of your life. it hurt. because it made me think i was back to that place again. to that spot where you hated me presence. it made me cry and write those posts about you. you were my confidante. if i didnt tell you, i'd blog about it. when people asked me whether everything was okay at home, i'd say yeah it was fine. but i guess you and me both know that's rather far from the truth but it could have been worse. we were blessed enough to have just enough and a lil more. we weren't rich like our friends but we were well to do. you were always the one warning me about spending money.

somewhere along the way you made friends in college that i may have liked because they were downright nice but in some ways i didnt agree with. but all in all. I love you. I loved how you were never scared to stand out in a crowd. i loved how you were always ready to take the plunge. I loved how you managed to stay on top of things when it seemed like everything else was falling apart. I loved how at times of vulnerability, you managed to toughen up and save the day. I love you for who you are. you may seem shallow and stupid at times, but i know its an act. perhaps one you've perfected but no matter who you are or who you turn out to be, you're my sister. and I love you. cause you're you.

love,
joyce