that fallen feeling of being numb

I think the worst part of trusting a person is not knowing when it might be wrong. Knowing that it was a choice you made that turned out to be a mistake entirely made by you and you alone. Looking back, i made one too many of those mistakes. I trusted people I should have known all along would hurt me. People who already seemed shady to me and yet I plundered through thinking I could change them. There's this chinese saying that. Moving mountains are easier than changing human behaviour. I totally believe that.

Being a parent is the toughest job ever. fo sho. I mean. you not only have to care for a person, supply their needs, you also have to look out for them, protect them from harm and be a good role model to them. and you're only human. that means you'll have flaws. but does that mean that you should be forgiven repeatedly for the same mistakes that you made to your children? does that give the parent the higher hand of hurting them without the child's voice being heard out? i mean. if we have our opinions, we deserve to voice them out right? especially when it concerns our being? it's basic human rights. we were not born into the world to be shot down daily and bore down by your anger.

no words. the tears cant even make room for more. i miss that feeling. the endless feeling of being loved. cherished. i miss it alot now. i dont miss it from any particular person. but i miss it in general. now that i see alot of it going around. i miss it alot.

thanks to marco! I've got all the songs i've wanted in my phone. love that boy although he can be suchhhhh a blur person at times. and he says the weirdest things. :) informative tho.

don't make promises you can't keep. don't act like you're strong when you're all broken inside. you're only human. and i like you for being human okay.

follow if you wanna. cause i wont wait around.
joyce

sway to the rhythm of love

have you ever wanted something so bad but the moment you've got it, someone else comes along and ruins it for you? i'm having a few of those moments this year.

State Level English Debate. haha. yeah i made it all the way to state. haha. after two and a half years worth of reading, talking, researching, typing and writing, not to mention hours of fighting and insults, we finally made it that far. to be honest, competition in KK is crazy tough. Each school team knows the opponent teams. and that makes it that much harder and more competitive. The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is where it really shows. ahahah. unfortunately, after someone's blunder of anger, we lost to Sung Siew, Sandakan. the only thing i can say is that we had a really good learning experience. and to those of you who are from Sung Siew and reading this, i have to say that your school put up an awesome fight against us. and i wish your team the best. really.

Love. haha. yeah i'm actually gonna talk about it again without mentioning which one. it makes your people who actually read this wonder who. pffft. so busy body. :P haha. anyhow. well, to be perfectly honest, i'm jealous of her to the max. i know she's never had one. but it doesn't give her any right to leave you hanging every time. but since you're so hung up on her. go ahead. she comes from a place reknown for pain and nothing less than six degrees of drama anyway. aside from him, there's you. gawd. you say i'm your number one girl. then what is she? my replacement? seriously? my guess is you really dont know what love is and you think by being a fwb is cooler. haha. you have no clue do you? and then there's you. at first, it was really awesome. the way we'd flirt all day and night. but now it's getting really weird. are we really just like flirt buddies? or is there something more? and are you game for more?

friends. to be perfectly honest, i like the way things are now. i get to jump all over place. and the lalas aren't too bad at the moment. i mean aside from the occasional miscommunication. ahahaha. i know you guys have some twisted friendship going on. but to be honest, from the outside looking in, it's hella lot worse. you guys hurt each other all the time with no apologies at all. and i see tears and disappoint but of course neither sides will fess up so why bother right? but still. its sad to see such friendships going on. it seems kinda fake right now. not that i'm sayin any of you are, you guys are really awesome individuals. but i do see some of you getting hurt. and it's saddening really.

dreams. i think we all should wake up and realise we've got only ourselves to help us. us and God. and no one else. everyone else in our else will be temporary. i know i sound evil saying that. it's as if i'm ungrateful but it's true. everyone else will use and throw us away. i'm getting it everyday. but i just smile. our dreams are up to us to make happen. depending on anyone else is just a huge mistake. really. our friends are only there for us to help guide us. not make our pathways. thats for us to make happen.

yes i'm in the sad angry jealous mode. hahah. deal with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=herLMUn2-U0 dance crazy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWiwuiT58Yc makes me hopeful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fzv3BfO0Xc makes me smile

sometimes the truth is ironic
joyce

i'll stay running from love

i think. winning isn't the most valuable aspect in any competition. i think the knowledge gained is more valuable ever. but of course, winning is the icing on top of the cake. hahah. that i cannot deny.

i think it's ridiculous when a group of friends makes fun of a person till tears and yet the person who cries is totally innocent and has to apologize. Apologize for what exactly? i'm not too sure what happened. but i think from what all the bystanders told me. and what happened the following day after. that's a bit much. too much for any normal person. it' shocking really. are you really who you say you are? was it really a mistake or just a one off or was that really all four of you being your true selves? if so, then i think you should think about it for a while. did that person deserve that kind of treatment? really?

is she really The One for you? think about it. if all your friends, guys and girls, have something about her which they dislike, something which repulses them, something which makes them think twice about being around, why would you still go for her? she left you. twice for another man. she cut you off from your friends. she makes you suffer. what good has she actually brought into your life? you currently have little friends left. even your childhood friends dont want to pick up your calls anymore. doesn't that make you realise that she's no good for you? we aren't being judgemental here. this is the truth. she's just using you. she's treating you like shit too. and you love her? really?

you think you're so smart being a bitch to everyone. watch out man. Karma's a bigger bitch than you are. and i hear she hates bitches like you.

trying too hard don't you think? he's mine. you can try. but you'll only fall flat on your face okay. so good luck!

you think i like you? puh-lease. you're shorter than me. disgusting to the max dont you think? and the fact you're a player? just shows you're public property more than ever.

good luck getting out of trouble this time.
joyce

forgetting someone

So sorry for not updating. haha. Life got in the way. everything from IU day to tests and then debate.

I think most people would think that guys get over girls much faster and they seem to apply to every single guy. but i think you should know that not all guys are major jerks. not all of em are heartless bastards. i'm not saying there aren't jerks and bastards around. but i am saying that. not all males are brainless and heartless.

i know some guys who are downright sweet and have a heart of gold but have the tendency of falling for the girl that's a total player too. not to mention greedy and a user. i know a guy who had his heartbroken and just chose not to fall in love anymore till he's done with his twenties. sad but true.

But it is awful when you know that the other person has forgotten you. replaced you. ouch right? defo. fo sho homey.

some people have the tendency to take nothing seriously. everything they put into mind is taken lightly. that way when they leave, they aren't hurt as much. it can be both curse and blessing. they love quick but they also fall out of it quick. their always having the constant need to find someone to love. it's sad to watch when you know why.

being replaced? it hurts. cause it's only natural to compare yourself to them. thinking it's your fault. thinking you weren't good enough. but you've definitely got to stop yourself right there. if he left you, he must have his reason. if she left you, same shizz. if he/she can find someone new, why can't you? unless of course there's only the three of you left in the world. if it isn't so, then wakeup. move on.

easier said than done? i know right. but life's a constant struggle. it's a battle. but you've got to get all of yourself together to fight back. if he's still a friend to you, then take it. but dont hold him to heart anymore. just treat him like any other friend. start seeing your other friends. by that i dont mean dating other people right away. i mean try being single! go out with a bunch of friends and go crazy in the malls! just have fun being single. flirt with strangers. dance with your girlies or guys!

just know that you aren't alone. even if you think you've got the worst situation in the world. you dont. you're fine. or you will be.

for some reason, i miss talking to you. and i hope you'll call me back asap okay pluto. thanks.

just thinking,
joyce

have you ever.....

Have you ever met that person where they seem to be perfect?

And i'm not only talking about the looks alone. I'm talking about the way they live and are around people. it seems so perfect. like everything's in control and their perfectly happy and satisfied with everything. have you ever?

Have you ever believed that they were truly perfect? truly so ever blessed?

I have.

Have you ever thought you could trust someone with all your heart? only to find it lying beneath all the lies they've spun out upon you?

I think it's happened to me a couple times too many.

sometimes i look at you, and i wonder to myself. how is it possible i trusted you?

that sheer layer of lies.

everyone thinks you're great. but i think i know now. you just hide it wayyyy better than everyone else.

i know you're reading this and you're probably wondering if i'm hurt or angry. i'm not.

i've just realised. brilliant liars like you. are people i'd never trust. and you're not the type i'd recommend to anyone either.

your technique gives me something to admire and respect on. your approach of one to one is pure genius. it has that paradox of lies between the lines of honesty. something i have yet to master.

you've got my attention. the only scary part of this situation is me actually being hooked on you.

kiss me and take away the pain,
joyce

i aint the girl next door

the song i'm sorta hooked on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-3xUmVIpy8&feature=related

my biggest pet peeve. when people just ASSUME they know everything about you. they have a reason for everything about you and every act you do. that's my biggest pet peeve. people saying "i know what you mean" when you aren't even done with your sentence. please just shut the f*** up and listen. like seriously. you do not live in my brain nor do you even understand nor live with my heart so can you just live your own life and leave mine alone!

it boggles me at why you would spread rumours about me when i've never met you! i didn't even know you existed. like really. i'm not pissed. it's more like. i'm puzzled and really frustrated why you would talk to people about me and tell stories about me when i dont know you. at all. and when i actually talk to you, you act all scared and like you're so innocent. i'll tell you what you actually are. you're dumb. you're naive. and you're absolutely clueless on who i really am and what my thoughts are actually like. so if you really wanna know, ask me. actually be someone i know or perhaps someone significant enough to fecking leave an imprint on my memory. if you didn't leave one even though you've met me twice, sucks to be you then.

i find it awfully disgusting when people go around announcing to the world how close a friendship between a group of friends can be but how often those ties are broken. i mean. if you aren't that close with all of them, why bother telling people you are? why lie? what benefits do you gain? and if you guys are as close as you say you are, why are some of them coming to me and saying that you guys aren't talking? some of you are plain rude and cold? and if its so, why cant you guys talk things over? all this drama and how unnecessary it is and how it seriously is dumb puzzles me. and if you guys cant get shit done, you know something's gonna come and hit you.

i realize that my Tumblr, Youtube and my blog is definitely my venting place. it's the one place i come to when i'm done with studying and homework. to just vent and let everything out. regardless of whether i'm really tearing up or just downright angry. it soothes me. *smiles satisfyingly*

i miss the times where we could text all the time. where we'd continue every single morning from every late night. i miss you. but i guess once again my lips are sealed tight aren't they?

joyce

wherever you may be.

to you, trying to act macho. trying to be someone else. it wont hide the fact you're lying to yourself more than everyone else. we all see through it. you're trying to be this person that none of us like. not your siblings not me not anybody. the people who are falling for you barely know the fact that love hurts and lust only lasts that long. and everyone in town knows you're the kiss and tell type. and yet they go ahead. why? simple. cause they have no dignity whatsoever. you're proud of it? yeah we know. you're filled with so much pride you fail to see.. the only person who you'll be hurt badly in the end is you.

it hurts to know the person you thought you could trust is a liar. a compulsive one. one that never says the same thing twice. constantly changing and never as loyal as they seem.

it hurts to know the person you thought you knew is someone you dont have a clue about. they say everything you want to hear. then walk away. leaving you wondering if you have any sense of rational at all.

it hurts to know when the person you truly care about is in pain. obviously right? wanna know what hurts more? when even the comfort and hugs you offer doesn't soothe them one bit.

it hurts when you hear everything you've been dying to hear, but it came just a little too late.

it hurts when the one you thought could fall in love with you was already in love with someone else.

it hurts when you think you have everything under control and you figure out everything's a lie.

it hurts when you think everyone's your friend and you find yourself alone and desolate in the middle of a crowd you thought were your friends.

what truly hurts? when you're in a relationship with someone who's in love with someone else, and you're too blind to see it.

what hurts more? trying to salvage a relationship thats already in ruins.
getting everyone to hate him/her doesnt help anyone at all.

finding yourself in one of the situation above?

wake up love. it isn't the end of the world. the world ends when you call it to.
your life is yours to make happen. you stop calling the shots? then everyone else calls them for you. your parents, your friends, your enemies, your worst nightmares and your life. by then, it'll all go spiraling out of control and the only people you ought to say sorry to are your parents because you positively owe them everything. every single bit of you. even if you dont like them any more than you dont like smelly socks.

luckily enough, life goes on. like it or not. it does. the world spins while you're lying down on the floor crying your lungs out. the days go on while you're fantasizing on your what ifs and what not. the nights go out faster while you lie in bed thinking of why not me.

Life is what you make of it. destiny, chance, fate is all up to you. it's all out there? are you willing to wake up, smell the coffee, the roses and the toast to see, smell, jump and grab them? are you willing to stop all the self pity and try it out for a chance? are you willing to get out of that hole you've gotten so comfortable in to just get a brand new shot at life? life and it's undeniable roller coaster ride?

i would. what you think i'm got the perfect life? FOR PETE'S SAKE, I DONT HAVE ONE. what you think i wrote all this from a book? from a song? from a movie? I WENT THROUGH MOST OF EM MYSELF. geez louise. I'M HUMAN TOO. urgh.

i've made tonnes of mistakes. mistakes i wish i could take back. mistakes i only wish i had never done. people i wish i had never hurt. words i wish i had not spoken of. chances i wish i had gotten hold of. mistakes that hurt more than i could possibly describe.

do i cry? do i regret? well, yeah.

but now, all i can do is avoid making the same mistake twice. all i can try to do is make them right no matter how hard or far off it may be. all i can try to do is make new opportunities for myself to be better and try harder at getting it right again.

is it possible? hell yeah. i've done several of them right.

the main question is. Do you want to make them right? Do you want to grab hold of your life again? Do you want to get up and get another chance at it?

if its yes, what the hell are you waiting for?

sometimes it's hard. sometimes it's tough. sometimes it downright cruel.
but you've gotta be better than everything else.

so go ahead. try it.

joyce