Way back when

Just like that an entire year passed without me actually writing anything. I can't even begin to describe how much I yearned to write up a blog post to rant and complain and express my thoughts but I couldn't even spare the time to.

As I breezed past my previous posts, I couldn't help but smirk and laugh a little at my younger self. I'm shocked at how easily I blurted out my inner thoughts and how blatantly obvious my anger was directed at. Most of all, I miss how honest I was and straightforward I was.

As time passes, people grow to adapt and conform to the norm of society. For those who don't change with time, they are labelled outcasts and misfits. Soon enough, they learn to be recluse, to shy away from all the attention just to avoid judgement. That's the society we live in, people either yearn to stay in the limelight or run and hide from it. Which are you?

With the power of social media today, stories travel at the speed of light. We see more and more problems come to surface. Most of the time, you hear people say. How is it possible that this has been happening for such a long time and yet we only hear about it now? The truth is. People today are no longer afraid to speak out and people today realize the power of social media. With a click of a button, we are able to either bring down the worst of criminals and crimes but that same button can destroy an innocent life. With power comes great responsibility. As much as the quote from Spiderman might make you laugh at me, it speaks volumes. We often disregard how hurtful or deeply untactful a single comment could make someone feel. We say we don't mean it in such a bad way but how would they know? Yet again, the question resurfaces, with that click of a button, are you struggling to stay in the limelight or hiding from it?

They say college is the best time of your life. The same goes for high school and university. They say that it'll change you and your perspectives. They say it'll help you grow to become a different person. I agree to all these statements. For me, college was another world. Literally. When I first stepped into college, it felt like high school all over again. You the small fry against a whole bunch of sharks just waiting for you to mess up. But soon enough, you fall into place with people you learn to love and care for. For some, they learn that you can only trust those who are there for you through thick and thin. You may not love them but you trust them. You learn that in the end, the only person who will stand for you is you. And here comes the bus, are you fighting to fit into the limelight or are you running from it?

I've learned the hard way that sometimes the limelight will blind you. The limelight can burn your skin too. The limelight will scar you regardless of whether you are in it or you are running from it. All in all, you have to fight back and stand your ground. Misfit or not. This kinda reminds me of King Of Opera, you know that game on the ipad? haha. Where you're an opera singer running and bumping each other off the stage to get the limelight and its hard cause you're spinning all the time and you fall off and yet you come back up to fight for the limelight. Life is kinda like that. Life is a constant motion whether you like it or not, and you have to understand how you move to get to where you wanna go. And whether you like it or not, the limelight helps you grow.

Lots of love,
Joyce

party all night. sleep. wake up. repeat.

IT IS FINALLY DECEMBER!

the month that brings a smile to almost everyone's face. the presents. the joy. the warmth. the memories.

with high school behind me, I can truly say that it's been one HELL of a ride. the ups outnumber the downs and I truly thank God for all the blessings in life.

I thank Him for placing beautifully talented and warm people in my life. Blessing me daily with His grace and giving me opportunities of a lifetime. I thank Him for my family and how we've grown so much stronger as a family this year.

2011 has been a great year. I managed to do so much that I set out to do and I even picked up some lessons that only a handful will ever even comprehend. For that, I am truly blessed and grateful.

For friendships, I learnt that in life, no one will stay by your side forever. from time to time, they will leave. for you to grow and for them to grow as well. Change is forever. nothing remains the same.

For love, being single has its perks. there isn't the constant fear of falling out of love. there is no doubts in your partner because he or she is nonexistent. hahaha. and the best of all, you need not worry so much about anyone else but yourself :) and that's a huge enough job on its own.

For life, I've learned that a huge part of it depends on you. it's not about luck. i mean yeah that too. but like. it's a minor part. the huge part is in all the decisions you make. every single one. from the moment you wake up and get out of bed, to the moment your head hits the pillow 16 hours later. it all depends on the in betweens and the side lines.

most importantly, I learned that life is selfish. in the end, the only person that really matters in life. is you. the fairytales about how in life, your significant other is the only person who truly matters is just that. a fairytale. i'm not saying that it's not possible. it's just rare. in the cold dark and very harsh world today, its each man for his own. and in my case, woman :)

but i am happy. i truly know who my real friends are. who are the people who will stick with me thick and thin. I know that despite distance and time, how long its been since we last talked, or how hard it is to communicate (e.g: one half asleep, the other completely awake), that the bond remains solid as steel. that we were able to talk about anything and everything. that we were able to laugh and cry our way through the year. that despite everything else in life, we still managed to turn to each other for that smile and a simple hug.

I'm glad. really glad. and I hope you are happy with 2011 too.

and even if it was a truly crappy year, like you stepped on shit three times in the same day, or your phone was so crappy you were desolate for days, or you went through the worst relationship anyone could ever dream of, that you take it in stride :) LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, YOU ARE STILL ALIVE OKAY. you have friends. you have family. you have a roof over your noggin. you still have clothes. OH AND DONT FORGET ZE FOOD. hahaha.

smile. thats when you look best :)

Love,
joyceeeeee

the essay i wrote.

Walking out of the cinema, she laughed along with her friends. Most of them were mocking how the movie line was so predictable. It always started of with the pretty girl being the villain, the handsome boy who was the conquest and the ugly girl who was being bullied by the pretty girl. It had to also end with the handsome boy falling for the ugly girl. Their laughter was short lived as their own thoughts consumed them. Was the plot really so funny and predictable or was it a relatable dream?

She wasn’t an outstanding beauty nor was she hideous; she was your typical plain Jane. Amongst her friends, she hardly stood out. In fact, the boys would usually always pick her prettier and slimmer friends. It was not like her to shy away from the lime light, but she didn’t hog it either. So while everyone around her was busy with their current beaus’, she simply stayed single.

She simply didn’t believe in love. She had plenty of male friends and the occasional interested admirers whom which she would convince to stay just friends. She knew friendship was far more valuable than teenage love. Her friends called her pessimistic but she knew she was just being realistic.

It all stemmed from her parents’ failed marriage. They were high school sweethearts and dated a decade before actually tying the big fat knot of love and commitment. Twenty five years later, they were bitter and divorced. She knew well enough that they once loved each other very much. It scarred her nonetheless. It scared her that the woman, who was once her strong confident mother, crying night and day in the shock and loss of a love once shared, could be her. It scared her that loving someone could be so utterly painful.

Friday night was always a busy night for the campus diner. She walked in with her notes and scouted for an empty table. Lady luck was on her side as a love infused couple walked out hand in hand was from a corner table.

As she settled down comfortably, a tall guy came to clear her table. As their eyes met, recognition flashed before them. She felt a stir in her heart as it skipped a beat. He flashed a smile with those eyes and that iron clad armor surrounding her heart melted. He was the leading achiever in the Law course. He was also rumored to be the bachelor no girl could get. As she snapped out of her thoughts, she cleared her throat and uttered a hello that was certainly too high pitched.

As he took her order of French toast and coffee, they made polite conversation. She knew he was simply being friendly but something urged her to ask him along for a drink. He politely declined due to the fact he was still on shift. Blushing a dark shade of red, she smiled and quickly looked away.

That night, after the buzz of the crowd died away, there they sat, under the lighting of fluorescence with the music of the late Elvis playing softly in the back ground, the comfort of velvet cushions and fries, she realized that she was just as much of a hopeless romantic as he was. Ashamed with this new revelation, she listened silently and intently as he unraveled the explanation of his bachelor status. He simply explained that there wasn’t a girl yet in his life that could amaze and shake him to the core. She smiled a shy smile as that small truth sent shivers down her spine.

Slivers of the shade red, blue and purple intertwined with the ball of fire as it immersed itself into the Caribbean Sea, as she sat there feet crossed under her. The memory of them and how they first met lies fresh in her mind. Almost a decade ago was when they first met. A smile spread slowly across her face as she flashed through their time spent together.

He was the first of many to break through her wall. He stayed by her despite her insistent pushes and shoves. He listened and said nothing while she opened up slowly. He held her close and tight as she cried in front of him for the first time. He spent every moment of his free time making her smile and laugh. He carefully arranged to spend their Valentine’s Day together. He thoughtfully picked out presents for her and her family as if they were his own. Each moment they spent together was cherished abundantly. As she twirled her hair around her fingers, she realized he was the epitome of every girl’s dream.

Strong and tan arms snaked around her waist tightly from the back, and a laugh broke from her as she instantly felt the rich feeling of love spread through her. His love was ever so blissful to her. As he kissed her hair and whispered sweet nothings to her, she turned to take a look into those emerald blue green eyes speckled with gold. Those eyes that bore into her soul, those eyes that still stared her down while she tried to hide, those eyes which loved her every insecurity inside and out. Those eyes which mesmerized her from the first look.

A decade later, it was blissful and sincere love which was why this careful daughter of a careless man dared to love. Through thick and thin, medical and law school, that he swore to love her forever and always. And in him and God, she learned to have faith and believe. To believe in the one thing she swore she never believed in. Love.

sometimes i believe that perhaps one day i'll have it all just like this. but i think i know better than that. :) the truth doesnt just hurt. it scars you. and as it scars you, it makes you do silly things. it can make you say and do things you will regret forever but know it's all too late. sometimes with family and friends, you unknowingly hurt them and are hurt and you do things in a haste of emotions. but somehow or rather, you always make amends. but this time idk. i dont wanna watch you go down this road anymore. i want you to change. i dont wanna see you suffer anymore. thats all i pray about and want for you. is it that bad?

society and it's screw ups

you think our country is bad? you complain all about the screwed up education system, and our rich politicians and the bad cops. well i'd really rather that than to what i see in every country as it is. Egypt's constant riot at the loss of its government ruling. The psycho guy who killed like 80 Norwegian people at a youth conference. America's rising debt and the downfall on the rest of the world's economy including ours mind you.

but what truly made me sick. is this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNh-fTv1Gm8

it's the malaysian guy who got mugged. people actually came up to him in the riot PRETENDING TO ASK HIM IF HE BLOODY IS OKAY. but were actually ROBBING HIM! they came from behind and were all concerned about him when they just opened up his bag and look into his jacket and back pocket. how bout that.
that's the epitome of getting kicked in the gut while you're down.
and the dude is actually gonna finish his studies there. he sure is one hell of a tough guy.

I know. every nation has it's glory moments and it's downfalls. but the downfall for britain and this riot. it's true nonsense. it's simply hooligans running free on the streets and asking for what exactly? NO CAUSE, NO SLOGAN, NO MESSAGE, NO MOTIVE. whatsoever. it's simply a outcry for attention and people just acting up without a cause. looting and breaking things down and burning shops. it's all just a bunch of crap. but this particular crap is hurting the entire nation as well as it's economy and it's image in the world's view. it's been going on for days. and there isnt a sign of slowing down. so when exactly is this bullshyt gonna end?

everyone in the world is hitting an all time low. but no one needs more trouble. so why cant people just start working towards a better future than to do nothing but complain of the current? If people actually really truly want a change, they should start working towards it. not causing riots and holding violent demonstrations. thats just pure idiocracy.

sometimes people really really really do not realise the good things they have until it really is all too late and gone.
joyce

worth the fight

Recently, I've been talking to alot of my classmates and i realised. we all face difficult situations in life. some worse than others in terms of difficulty. but to each their own, you cant say anyone's life is easier than your own or harder than your own. you aren't them nor they you. everyone's got their own ups and downs. and we all have our own expectations and realities. dreams and failures. and somehow i feel reassured. i guess. i'm just normal in terms of being a teenager going through potholes and getting up and moving on. or learning how to.

dreams and ambitions. parents have this expectation of their children. some dream of just a peaceful and harmonious life for their kids. other dream of the better life in terms of financial stability. some dream of the jobs they pray their children enter into. but as human as we are, we all have flaws. and occasionally, we overlook the fact that children have the right to choose. we all do. it's a basic human right. to choose and have a choice and opinion on life. our life. our paths to pave and our dreams to recreate. and yes i do not deny the fact that having our parents there to guide us and lead us and give their opinions and spare us from falling out or falling into the wrong paths. but it does not mean you dictate our every move and decision on life. perhaaps you say as a teenager our mental capability isn't as mature or experienced enough to make the right ones. but it is our choice nonetheless to make those mistakes. life is all about learning and how far in our life can you really protect a child from mistakes. how can they learn in that manner.
you cant force a child to be an engineer or a architect or a doctor. it is true that SPM is the big leap unto where our lives will lead and how it'll turn out. but the constant pressure and talks on who we should be instead of just living as who we already are is just utterly uncomfortable. we're clearly capable of knowing the truth on life and how hard it is. we know. years have passed, and slowly but surely, most of us have matured and learnt the truth on work and life. the constant lectures on how to be a PROPER person can be told. but not repeatedly. and what is the definition of a proper person? how can you define a person? people change daily. you cant keep it a square. life's a journey. we're merely a boat in the wild ocean.

sometimes i wonder. if this is all a test. a test of patience. of faith. of hope. of prayer. and of my strength. if it is. i hope i do pull through. i hope i live through all this and look back and see strength. i hope i look back and realise you weren't a missed chance. perhaps only a matter of bad timing. really bad timing.

i miss the feeling of being hugged and held safe.
joyce

that fallen feeling of being numb

I think the worst part of trusting a person is not knowing when it might be wrong. Knowing that it was a choice you made that turned out to be a mistake entirely made by you and you alone. Looking back, i made one too many of those mistakes. I trusted people I should have known all along would hurt me. People who already seemed shady to me and yet I plundered through thinking I could change them. There's this chinese saying that. Moving mountains are easier than changing human behaviour. I totally believe that.

Being a parent is the toughest job ever. fo sho. I mean. you not only have to care for a person, supply their needs, you also have to look out for them, protect them from harm and be a good role model to them. and you're only human. that means you'll have flaws. but does that mean that you should be forgiven repeatedly for the same mistakes that you made to your children? does that give the parent the higher hand of hurting them without the child's voice being heard out? i mean. if we have our opinions, we deserve to voice them out right? especially when it concerns our being? it's basic human rights. we were not born into the world to be shot down daily and bore down by your anger.

no words. the tears cant even make room for more. i miss that feeling. the endless feeling of being loved. cherished. i miss it alot now. i dont miss it from any particular person. but i miss it in general. now that i see alot of it going around. i miss it alot.

thanks to marco! I've got all the songs i've wanted in my phone. love that boy although he can be suchhhhh a blur person at times. and he says the weirdest things. :) informative tho.

don't make promises you can't keep. don't act like you're strong when you're all broken inside. you're only human. and i like you for being human okay.

follow if you wanna. cause i wont wait around.
joyce

sway to the rhythm of love

have you ever wanted something so bad but the moment you've got it, someone else comes along and ruins it for you? i'm having a few of those moments this year.

State Level English Debate. haha. yeah i made it all the way to state. haha. after two and a half years worth of reading, talking, researching, typing and writing, not to mention hours of fighting and insults, we finally made it that far. to be honest, competition in KK is crazy tough. Each school team knows the opponent teams. and that makes it that much harder and more competitive. The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is where it really shows. ahahah. unfortunately, after someone's blunder of anger, we lost to Sung Siew, Sandakan. the only thing i can say is that we had a really good learning experience. and to those of you who are from Sung Siew and reading this, i have to say that your school put up an awesome fight against us. and i wish your team the best. really.

Love. haha. yeah i'm actually gonna talk about it again without mentioning which one. it makes your people who actually read this wonder who. pffft. so busy body. :P haha. anyhow. well, to be perfectly honest, i'm jealous of her to the max. i know she's never had one. but it doesn't give her any right to leave you hanging every time. but since you're so hung up on her. go ahead. she comes from a place reknown for pain and nothing less than six degrees of drama anyway. aside from him, there's you. gawd. you say i'm your number one girl. then what is she? my replacement? seriously? my guess is you really dont know what love is and you think by being a fwb is cooler. haha. you have no clue do you? and then there's you. at first, it was really awesome. the way we'd flirt all day and night. but now it's getting really weird. are we really just like flirt buddies? or is there something more? and are you game for more?

friends. to be perfectly honest, i like the way things are now. i get to jump all over place. and the lalas aren't too bad at the moment. i mean aside from the occasional miscommunication. ahahaha. i know you guys have some twisted friendship going on. but to be honest, from the outside looking in, it's hella lot worse. you guys hurt each other all the time with no apologies at all. and i see tears and disappoint but of course neither sides will fess up so why bother right? but still. its sad to see such friendships going on. it seems kinda fake right now. not that i'm sayin any of you are, you guys are really awesome individuals. but i do see some of you getting hurt. and it's saddening really.

dreams. i think we all should wake up and realise we've got only ourselves to help us. us and God. and no one else. everyone else in our else will be temporary. i know i sound evil saying that. it's as if i'm ungrateful but it's true. everyone else will use and throw us away. i'm getting it everyday. but i just smile. our dreams are up to us to make happen. depending on anyone else is just a huge mistake. really. our friends are only there for us to help guide us. not make our pathways. thats for us to make happen.

yes i'm in the sad angry jealous mode. hahah. deal with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=herLMUn2-U0 dance crazy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWiwuiT58Yc makes me hopeful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fzv3BfO0Xc makes me smile

sometimes the truth is ironic
joyce